You know the old story:
Girl meets book. Girl reads book. Girl falls in love with book. Girl obsesses over book all through her childhood so when she's a fully grown adult she talks about how the book influenced her entire life.
You could say this happened with me through Harry Potter. Certainly the first three steps happened and part of the last one. I first read the book when I was nine-years-old. It was my first year in a new town, a new home and surrounded by new people. And this was the first time where I need 100% I was going to be stuck with these people. I either had to impress people so I could have fun or struggle through, adapt and survive. At the same time I was also searching for my 'hobby' or my 'calling' since apparently singing, dancing, acting, and art were out.
So when I read Harry Potter for the first time I think something along the lines of 'She stole my idea!' crossed my mind. It basically only took one chapter for me to see the rest of my life laid out before me: I was going to write and I was going to write something as equally awesome if no more so than Harry Potter.
Thus began my relationship with the book that would 'change my life.'
But for all that it shaped my childhood, sitting here now I don't feel like Harry Potter changed my life. It was a big part of it, certainly. But I've grown up. When I was a kid, Harry Potter was a place to escape to because real life and real school was a desolate place. I needed something different. When I was an early teenager, it became a lifeline to other people. It not only helped me create some relationships with new people but new relationships with my family. It also helped shaped the way I felt about the world in much the same way I might guess the Bible does for others. I learned what love, friendship, acceptance and tolerance meant through Harry Potter.
As a young 'adult' the books became a stepping stone. I'd been involved in fanfiction and rps since I was nine, certainly, but it became something more meaningful when I was older. I actually saw writing as something I could and would do for the rest of my life, not just that weird thing I did that validated my choice to be alone a lot of the time. To me writing fan stuff was practice for when I'd really write. It also introduced me to some wonderful people that I still consider friends now.
But even though I was still writing in that universe, my love for Harry Potter tapered off around the time I turned eighteen. The final book had come out about the year before. Harry, Ron, and Hermione finished their term at Hogwarts the summer before I finished High School. In that last year of High School, I said good-bye to all my friends (some in less fun ways than others), broke up with my 'first love' and got into tremendous fights with my parents. The year after that was hell. I 'fell in love' a couple more times, got my heart broken, broke a couple of hearts, fell into bad health, gave up reading as a regular hobby and continued fighting with my parents.
Looking back, of course I can see what led up to it. Looking back, I know that if I treat the memories right that period of my life can be good for me. Looking back, I know no real damage was done.
It still sucked. In fact, that seems like an understatement. Because high school sucks but you get over it. That year or so was horrifying. I did a lot of scrambling and crying. Eventually, I realized, I needed to grow up. Actually grow up. Not mature, but take the next step and become an adult.
The thing is, while I may have been role playing Harry Potter all during this was a release from the horrible stuff surrounding me, I don't feel influenced by Harry Potter at all during that time. It was the writing and the comfort the friends I role played with gave me that helped me survive. I escaped reality often but I didn't escape into somebody else's reality to do it.
I think, in a way, I feel like Harry Potter abandoned me right at the moment where I needed it most. It's for the best, I know this, but that doesn't stop me from feeling hurt. Don't get me wrong, I know this is an inanimate thing with no regard for my personal journey at all. But it doesn't help the timing: Harry Potter dropped off just as I was entering the hardest period of my entire life (so far.) It's this fact that probably makes me much more guarded about my love and affection for the series that started it all. My obsession for reading and writing really can be credited to the series.
But I'd like to think that if it weren't Harry Potter, it would have been something else. Eventually there would have come a catalyst for the fire to be sparked.
I bare no ill will or grudge against Harry Potter. Certainly not anymore. But I can say with finality now that that chapter of my life is over. I am no longer awaiting my letter from Hogwarts, I can't say that I'd turn into a giddy child if I ever went to Harry Potter World, and I'm not trembling with excitement to name my future children after characters in the book. It's never going to happen. It simply wasn't that sort of influence on my life.
Why this suddenly insight now? And if not Harry Potter what thing or things might have that influence on my life?
Well, I'm glad you ask.
Years and years ago when I was about seventeen I stumbled upon a Halo based web comic that I found quite enjoyable. Now for the most part Halo was one of those things I loved and obsessed over, but I really felt was something I shared with my boyfriend of the time. However, I soon realized in breaking up with him that I still enjoyed the game and the universe. The first time I played Halo after breaking up with him was difficult and painful at first, but I eventually got over it.
Five years later, the final pages of this webcomic are starting to get posted. The artist/writer plans on being done before the Halo 4 release. When I made the realization of how much of my life (and I don't mean that in terms of time) has gone by while this comic has gone on I was astounded...
I broke up with my 'first love,' graduated high school, went through my year of hell, grew up, went to college, fell in love, moved out of my parent's house, broke up painfully with friends, got my own place with my boyfriend, and got married. I went through more while reading this comic and playing Halo than I ever did while reading Harry Potter.
Now, don't worry, that doesn't mean I'll be naming my first born 'Cortana.' But I can say with more conviction how much Halo has influenced me. And I think it was because it was there there during the hard times as well as the good times.
Another good influence is Doctor Who. I think I will always have a soft spot in my heart for Matt Smith's Doctor. He's been here through pretty much the entirety of my relationship with my husband. That, my friends, is a real hard thing to beat. I think I will always remember those days of dragging out computers to a friends house to blast at enemies on video games only to pause it all for an hour while we watched Doctor Who. In our first days in our own condo, Matt Smith's second season started and we invited my family over to watch. We had bow tie noodles and I baked a cake, honoring Elisabeth Sladen (a.k.a. Sarah-Jane Smith) on it.
I think you can pretty much count on one of our kids having Stormaggedon as a middle name.
All these last few years, even with such a strong life partner next to me, have not been wonderful to me. I worked a rather thankless job, my health declined (though nothing serious) and I had a huge falling out with some friends. A lot of these things put me in dark, downward spirals that reminded me of the 'year of hell.' I didn't want to go down those roads but I didn't really know how to pull out either. Harry Potter was actually a sore reminder of these terrible things and Halo and Doctor Who were too close to really happy things to pull me out.
A strange book that fell into my lap at a crucial moment was the third in a series by Ann Aguirre called 'Doubleblind.' I can't recall when I picked up the first book, 'Grimspace.' I think I must have been out of high school and back living with my parents. But at the time it was just a good book and it got lost to me as I struggled on with life. When I read Doubleblind, though, I was sick, scared to go to work, and losing my friends. It was a difficult time.
I read the book and it did not have a happy ending. But I think in a way it allowed me to have a panic attack about something that wasn't real so I could feel some relief. I literally had to call up my mother, though, and cry to her about the book. Shortly after I would insist she read the series... and then forget about them entirely. Just today I finished the last book in the series and a great deal of tension left me. It's nothing major or life changing, but having finished the journey I feel a bit better. To have the contrast between this ending and the one that gave me such a scare when my life was at a low point gives me a lot of hope and peace. Sometimes the little things are more important than the big things.
Then there's the X-Men. Unlike the other examples above, I feel like this chapter is just beginning. This new love and passion came to me rather recently. Again, when things were falling apart with my friends (for those wondering, I've since made up with those friends. We're not as close but we've definitely made peace with each other which is more than I could ever hope for.) X-Men helped me forge a new, strong friendship and give me a focus for creative outlets, strengthening my self-esteem on writing. I'm not sure when I lost it, but I did. Years ago and while it came back in fits and starts, it came back with a roar when I delved into comics.
I feel as if X-Men starts my actual journey into adulthood. Comics gives me something to really talk about with my dad. Going to comic shows is something I'm pretty much doing on a daily basis with my family. I can even share this with my husband. In short, I suspect that comics and X-Men will be something still very special to me when I'm an old woman. I may try to pull off a spandex Emma Frost number when I'm 80 just to gross my grandchildren off because... why the hell not?
Jokes aside though, the things that I expect to still be influencing me as an adult started their life when I was 18-22. During one of the biggest transition periods of my life. For some people, that transition is or starts in high school. I was not one of those people.
For that reason I hung up my witch robes years ago. I only just discovered why, but that tends to be the way things work. Understanding comes later. Perhaps in a decade or two I'll have different ideas on why all these things are important to me.
Right now, I'm just going to enjoy my cape.
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